Mary M. Read: Mary M. Read, M.S., MFCC is a psychotherapist practicing in Los Alamitos, CA, a part-time instructor in the M.S. in Counseling program at California State University, Fullerton, (her alma mater) and a Ph.D. student in Counseling Psychology at the University of Southern California. She is doing qualitative research on lesbian identity, with a focus on narrative construction.
This volume, filled with the stories of lesbian and gay parents in the United Kingdom, is laid out in a pattern that makes it easy to follow either the aspect of parenting one is most interested in, or the tale of a particular individual or couple, using the index. Constructed from what must have been hours and hours of interviews, a broad range of parents and caregivers describe their unique and intimate perspectives and parenting experiences. While all the names of parents, children and locations were changed to protect anonymity, Turan notes that many parents were willing to be identified. His decision to take the cautious route speaks of the prejudice that still surrounds the idea of lesbians and gays being parents.
These prejudicial myths are often mentioned by the parents, especially relating to the early stages of deciding to become parents or caregivers to children. The reality that gay men are no more likely to be pedophiles than heterosexual men, that most child abuse is about power relations and therefore rooted in the dominant, heterosexist, patriarchal paradigm, and that lesbians, as women, are far less likely than men to commit sexual crimes against children are covered in the footnotes that appear at the end of each chapter. Also debunked are the notions that children growing up in households with lesbian or gay parents (or both, as co-parents) are more likely to grow up to be gay or lesbian., or that they will be ostracized, with damaging results. As the many children growing up in these alternative households testify for themselves, having loving parents is what's important to them, and everyone gets teased, regardless of how “normal” their life circumstances appear.
Turan starts the narrative of parenting with a discussion of coming out, recognizing that coming to terms with one's homosexuality becomes more salient when children are brought into the mix. He notes that by far the majority of lesbians and gays who have their own children (as opposed to adoption or fostering other's children) do so through heterosexual marriages. Decisions about custody, for the parent (and their potential new partner) are juxtaposed with decisions about artificial insemination and surrogate mothers as these individuals describe how they made choices regarding parenthood. The quality of care and conscious choice that is embodied in these decisions is an aspect that shines through the individual stories, as diverse as they are. Children in these homes will scarcely suffer from wondering if they were wanted.
From “Why Bother?” to “Doing the Business” to “Too Many Grandmas”, the unique problems and blessings of lesbian and gay parenting are given voice. Practical information abounds, from facts about sperm donation and turkey basters to current custody laws and childcare agencies. For those considering parenting, especially in the UK, this volume provides invaluable insights and a sense of companionship, of not having to reinvent the wheel. The knowledge that others have chosen, struggled, and delighted in parenting gives hope and encouragement to prospective parents in the gay and lesbian community, and beyond. The certainty that being gay does not equate automatically to foregoing parenting provides a new focal point for gay and lesbian pride and self-determination, whether one chooses to parent or not.
From the standpoint of theory, this collection of personal accounts provides a grounding, a pastiche of perspectives from which to derive commonality and difference around parenting in general. It is, after all, much easier to talk about what is already happening for gay and lesbian parents if we have access to their own words, their unique telling of choosing parenthood in all its complexities. Turan looks to the future by noting how far the rights of lesbian and gay parents have already advanced, and by documenting the creation and work of the Albert Kennedy Trust (AKT). Named for a gay teen in foster care who died in tragic circumstances after not having the needs of his sexuality addressed, the AKT is run by gays and lesbians and serves the needs of lesbian and gay youth in need of “carers”. The stories of parents willing to be carers address another aspect of diversity; the temporary parent whose parental rights are constantly mediated by the government. Given the great need for foster homes, a model allowing a previously banned segment of society to contribute their parenting skills to youths in difficult circumstances is very welcome.
Overall, this book presents a picture of hope; of loving, caring families constructed in all manner of configurations, centered on the primacy of loving children and providing for their needs. The AIDS epidemic showed the world that the gay and lesbian community can care for its own, with great depth of commitment. That this commitment extends to children, brought into the world and deserving of exquisite care, is made lovingly clear in the testimonies of these parents. The truth is, we are family.
commenting closed for this article